Child-Kyle
Being a kid was the best, wasn’t it? You got to discover new things…you got to experiment all the time. You got to just play.
Well, I’d like to introduce you to Child-Kyle – He’s cute. Pretty much innocent-looking. His hair is neat. He has his button-down plaid shirt neatly tucked into his shorts yet again. He should be focused on what the teacher is saying, but all he cares about is how to win the show-and-tell mystery box, his stuffed animals and his new pet hamster that he named after the most beautiful girl in his kindergarten class (what can I say? I’m a romantic).
Child-Kyle’s the shit.
The Art
Last year I learned a term I don’t think I’d ever come across before, but boy I’m glad I finally did.
“Self-compassion.”
Dr. Kristin Neff, coined the term over a decade ago. She says:
“Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others…Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself.”
Here’s why that is so important.
The Playground
I, like I’m sure a good majority of you reading this, find that showing compassion for others is so much easier than showing compassion for myself.
I mean think about it…
Imagine you’re strolling through a park and you saw a group of kids on a playground.
All the sudden, a little girl runs up to you looking absolutely helpless and starts crying.
Now, whether or not you like kids, chances are that if you saw this, you’d probably help her out, right?
To calm her down, you’d probably start by saying something sweet like “shhhhh, it’s going to be okay! What’s wrong?”
After a bit of consoling, the child walks through the situation with you. You discover that Jo, the crying girl, lost against another kid, Billy, in Tic Tac Toe.
Damnit Billy…
Analyzing the situation, you provide Jo some advice. You tell her that it definitely doesn’t feel good to lose, but that each time she plays another round after having lost, she’s the real MVP Tic-Tac-Toer.
YAAAAAS, look at you helpin’ out a kiddo in dire need with that compassion!
Now, think of the times you fail. How do you react most often?
The Paradox
This last year I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and I came to find out that the answers I was hoping to find could be found in learning about my diagnosis: ADHD.
Now, one of the most prevalent traits in ADHD is impulsivity. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “impulsivity means a person makes hasty actions that occur in the moment without first thinking about them and that may have a high potential for harm, or a desire for immediate rewards or inability to delay gratification.”
I also experience something called “hyperfocus” in which I get so invested in an activity that I lose all concept of time and surroundings. I find it hard to just “let go” of an activity until I feel that it’s completed. It feels like it’ll always have a space in my head until it’s completed. Alternatively, I’ll impulsively find something else to hyperfocus on and then the process repeats itself again. I’m often left with a bunch of incomplete projects, no immediate awards, an overwhelmed brain and a shit ton of negative self-talk.
A Good Start
Remember Child-Kyle? He’s been a true homie for me lately.
In those shitty situations (shituations, if you will), I try to picture Child-Kyle.
Cute little Child-Kyle will grow up to make a lot of mistakes. He’ll fail. He’ll experience heartbreak. He’ll lose family members, friendships…himself, too here and there.
I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I also know that because of those hardships, mistakes and failures, he’ll learn a lot about himself.
I feel compassionate towards him. I want him to know that he’s gonna get through it. I want to encourage him to keep going, just like I would Tic-Tac-Toe Jo.
Now, I’m no professional at self-compassion by any means, however this visualization trick has provided that extra push to get me there. It’s helped me feel released of those self-imposed pressures and limitations, especially when I create.
It permits me to discover. To experiment. To play again.
“By accepting that we can’t be perfect and that we will fail, we can get back to work.” – Ryder Caroll
